sheepy sheeps

Final Post

The turtle was always my favorite animal, when I was a kid. I remember we had to do reports on animals and I picked the box tortoise. I don't know why they appealed to me so much, but lately I feel like a turtle. I've retreated into my shell now.

I always used to be so sociable. The quizzes said I was an even divide between introvert and extrovert. I made the plans. I loved the parties. For a decade I thought that hanging out with my friends was the best thing in life.

I miss those days. I miss playing President in James's basement, surrounded by everyone, all of us disconnected, single people. Reaching out to each other. I remember overzealous games of Settlers of Catan, hitting Ben with an empty Sprite bottle because he wouldn't let me hold our cards. I loved when we decided to marathon a show together, being graciously served tea and snacks and inevitably spilling something on Megan's carpet. I miss the days when Shelley and I would have study parties, staying up late into the night, going for slurpee runs to 7-11 at two or three in the morning, the extra fuel to finish that paper by five or six and get a few hours of sleep.

I know this is all old news. It's all been folded up in a box for a long time, for all of us, now.

I feel like I was a much more flawed person then. I was more volatile and selfish, but now I think, at least I was passionate. I wasn't afraid of the judgment of other people, and I didn't resent it as much. Unhappiness didn't last long. I forgave and forgot overnight.

I want to be perfect. Like God is perfect. I want to be able to only love, even when I'm not loved perfectly. It's easy to love someone back when they're good at loving you. Really easy.

I haven't had as much to give to my friends anymore, and it's hard to pin down exactly why. And even though I know it's wrong of me, I feel dissatisfied that I'm not as loved, now that I'm not as easy to love. Now that I don't call anyone and make the plans, I'm not called. Now that I'm not the one to pop up the chatbox, saying hi first, the conversation doesn't happen.

I'm mostly fine, in my shell. There are questions. But I have enough. And I guess there are things I wish I could tell people. Something like:

A friendship is a gift that two parties have to give freely. If I haven't had as much in me to give as I used to, the gift remains, and we should both be happy with what we have. Don't think that I should reach out to you if you haven't reached out to me. I love you, but you and I don't owe each other anything. We aren't obligated. And if you think that time or distance or anything is able to weaken our friendship, then that belief is your personal choice. For me, a friendship holds within it forever all the memories of all the good times, and none of the bad. If you let it hold the bad, that's your choice too. But I'm going to do my best not to make that mistake anymore.

This is a new beginning for me. I'm taking a new path. I'm going to find out who I am this time. I'm not going to be satisfied with stagnating. I am going to create. I am going to silence the chatter, the white noise of the world. These spaces in my life aren't meant to be filled with easy, empty pursuits, or even with friends. My time is precious to me. I'm going to dust off my spirit, stretch it out, and see if I can make it fit again. I'm going to find God again—no, He's found me again, He has never hidden—

I'm going out there. This is goodbye. If you want to find out what my adventures are from here on out, it'll take your asking.

And if you want to walk with me, you may. I'd love the company. But I'm going this way.
  • Current Music
    Steven Curtis Chapman, "All That's Left"
set sail through colors and pearls

today's choices

hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujaaaaahhh...
Your love makes me sing
hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelu Yaaaahweh,
Your love makes me sing, sing, sing...

I wonder what changes, in becoming what I've become,
adult now,
no bones about it, married
and mired in economy now,
the wheels turning, cogs in the machine, Fortune's wheel crashing down.

still young enough to not believe it, to come back,
to smell the flowers of before and hold the stems in warm hands,
to hold onto the growth of that old world and stay there.

Wondering where the words have gone—weren't there so many before?
Weren't there a lot to choose from? Now the words hide
like a dim dusty library full of faded spines.

Wasn't this place bright and clean before?

Or are my glasses merely dirty?

I have made so many ghosts of habit,
worn grooves into time and space with my continual passing.
There are so few new days in life:
most follow a pattern of getting up at the same time and going to the same places and doing the same things and coming home to the same place to be with the same people

routine, routine, rote

O let me not become what I do
O let me yet be strong

to speak always the words that are true
"I miss you"
"I look forward to you"
"I care about you"

these flowers I will water, I promise that I will

and to the tree, rooted deep, let me always be the words

and to the wind I promise I WON'T stop listening
and to you my GOD MY GOD I promise
of course
that's all you can promise
but You'll have to help me mean it
of course
deeper every day
more real, not less.
Today the snow flits down to wet everything, make it dark and shining
but I stay inside the machine and wonder
where the lie is, and I'm pretty sure this is it:
this is not life

you don't have to be Thoreau to know that it is.
  • Current Mood
    disappointed here
  • Tags
there's nothing for me to be scared of

update on Ricki

uhhhh... hi guys! I guess a lot of things have changed since my last post! Is it time for one of those sparkly relationship changey things? I think it is!

Well, I missed the sparkles, but it's in red and that's what counts, right?

It turns out married life is pretty sweet. It's great to be together all the time. To be figuring out life together. To be learning about each other and ourselves. And living together is sweet. Philip and I don't have to hang out for awhile and then go home. It's pretty much the best thing ever. :D

I'm having fun decorating and organizing our place. Wedding gifts are sweet too—it seems like all our friends and family got us everything we needed except for a laundry hamper and a dish drying rack. (My parents gave us an extra drying rack, so that doesn't even count anymore, and I got a really great laundry hamper from Zellers in dark brown, which matches the bedroom.) Right now I'm just waiting for tomorrow night to move some furniture for storage in the living room, and after that everything will be organized enough to start having people over I guess :D

Cooking is fun too, even though I'm still very much a beginner in some ways. I'm great at the frying pan, and I have two of those—a giant wok and a little omelette pan, and I've made every meal with pretty much just the wok so far. I've been telling everyone that I'm a one trick pony—but it's a good trick. We've had stir fry, chicken fried rice, fried potatoes... xD Hellen (my new "mama") just told me how to make chicken stock with the leftovers of the deli cooked chicken we had one night. It smells amazing in the house right now. I'm excited to learn more skills :)

So yeah, there's your update on the life and times of Ricki... er... Siemens... :D I've yet to go through all the name change paperwork, but I've started to practice my new signature!
set sail through colors and pearls

This is THE day.

The day that most of the leaves will fall off the trees. I'm sitting in a whirlwind of them. The sky is perfectly blue and the leaves are so yellow in the air and on the ground. I just spent part of afternoon with Shelley-may on Skype, swinging on the swings and hanging around the playground.

That's what I wrote yesterday and somehow never hit the post button. But the trees still have some bright yellow leaves on and I'm in a similar cascade of them today. The sky is perfectly, perfectly blue. Everything feels right in life on days like this, you know? Even though you don't have a job or much direction and there's other stress in your life and in the lives of those you love... listening to the voice of the wind rushing through the trees, you know there's so much more happiness to be found.

I hope that wherever you are, you make time to feel the wind. :)
  • Current Music
    set sail through colors and pearls and uncharted blue sky
spring flowahs

"goodnight my dinosaur huntress"

Ricki: "Nope. When we're married and it's late, I will say, I am too tired for snuggling. Goodnight."
Philip: "But I will say, You can't sleep now! There are dinosaurs to hunt!"
Ricki: *PBBBBT!*
Philip: "And you'll reply,"—here he gets a gleam in his eye—"Dinosaurs, you say?"
Ricki: "WHAT."
Philip: "And I'll say, Just over yonder hill."
Ricki: "Uhhhh..."
Philip: "You'll say, Judging from the tracks, the dinosaurs passed through two days ago."
Ricki: "Um, no. I don't think that's what I would say. I think you got it wrong."
Philip: "Oh right. Three days past."
Ricki: O_O
*both crack up*
  • Current Mood
    giggly giggly
  • Tags
there's nothing for me to be scared of

Unemployed; but so busy it's hard to feel guilty

My week volunteering as a cabin leader at Camp Oshkidee was awesome! The girls in my cabin were the best ever and I had so many good times. :) I look forward to keeping up with everyone over the next year. I think the highlight was the canoeing out-trip, where we played so many awesome games of Mafia, everyone slept under the stars, were told a sweet made-up bedtime story by one of the campers, and put our canoes together with a big tarp held up on oars and turned it into a sailing ship! The mafia story stars sail ship trip! Not quite as catchy as when Scott and I had the out-trip of the Island of Awesome Pancakes, but just as great and memorable! <3

In today's news, we just booked my pastor, a hall, and a caterer for December 30th. Phew! Does it ever feel good to have that out of the way. We still need a ceremony location. I go for wedding dress alterations on Wednesday. Twyla's doing the photos and Mrs. Siemens is doing the cake. Yep... it's coming together!!

Meanwhile, I'm still job-hunting... but that feels less and less pressing with every day of freedom. Doh! Tomorrow I need to do my cabinet, that's for sure. Right now my room is a big mess because my desk is gone now and everything needs to be organized in the cabinet... but the cabinet has to have four coats of sealer and be cured before I can use it! Anyways, the point is, I find it very hard to think straight and be organized when my room is not. So the cabinet is first on my to-do list for tomorrow! Then calling the scrapbook store for the papers for the invitations, and calling my church to find out about having the ceremony there...

Tonight P and I are going to ask my brothers to be in the party. With all our siblings in the party it will be four attendants on each side. A lot, I know... but I think it's really special to have them as part of our day!! I'm pretty excited about it. :)

By the way I am still madly in love. I think this deserves notice!
  • Current Music
    You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God
ed &amp; al

The Statistics of an English Master's Student at the U of S

June 2, 2010, I graduated with a master's degree in English. That's five years of figurative blood, sweat, and tears! And what do I have to show for it? A diploma. A lot of trivia. A veritable arsenal of diction. And, hopefully, the beginning of a career.

Here are the statistics of my university education. I needed to add it up, immortalize it here, remember. To know that if I divide my word count by an average of 250 words per page, that means I've written five hundred and seven pages, not including bibliographies or anything like that. FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVEN. That's a lot, especially considering I usually didn't care a whit about the topic. Or the fact that I wrote nearly half as much in my master's year as in my whole undergraduate honors degree. Yikes! No wonder I didn't read any books for fun.

Without further ado...

Cost (Four years, eight terms) $19,299.54
Written Assignments86,500 words

Cost (a bit more than a year, five terms) $5,014.88
Written Assignments40,300 words

I moderately rocked out at 84%
I wrung out my brain with126,800 words
I paid in tuition$24,314.42
I probably paid in textbooks$2000
I was paid in scholarships$28,777.02
Meaning that in the end I profited$2,462.60
Being a Master of English at age 24feels pretty good.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
  • Current Music
    call it torture, call it university
  • Tags
ed &amp; al

Why does it always feel like the laws exist to protect the criminals?

Tonight, five Michaels employees (if including my off-duty plain-clothed self) watched a known shoplifter bypass the tills and take a whole cart of stuff straight out the door to her truck.

Watched. (I guess we can't all be Megan.)

We called the police with a description of her, her truck, and her license plate number. I guess it's that or lose your job. Don't you think we live in stupid times?
  • Current Mood
    apathetic pbbbpbbh
spring flowahs

Whole weeks feel like this sometimes.

You've got a vision of some far-off day, beautiful and bright
A carrot hanging out of reach but always in your sight
There's an icon in your mind that stands for happiness one day
A picture on the wall of a kingdom far away

Oh, it's closer than you think
Oh, it's breathing in between
Oh, it's closer than you think
Oh, it's right under your feet

The sky is much more blue, and the clouds are always white
The streets of course are gold and always lit with rays of light
There's nothing on this earth that's as good as what's up there
Life is so much better when you're floating in the air

Oh, it's closer than you think
Oh, it's breathing in between
Oh, it's closer than you think
Oh, it's right under your feet

  • Current Music
    Fiction Family, "Closer Than You Think."