Flyaway Kite

the whirled is spinning around us

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Final Post
sheepy sheeps
The turtle was always my favorite animal, when I was a kid. I remember we had to do reports on animals and I picked the box tortoise. I don't know why they appealed to me so much, but lately I feel like a turtle. I've retreated into my shell now.

I always used to be so sociable. The quizzes said I was an even divide between introvert and extrovert. I made the plans. I loved the parties. For a decade I thought that hanging out with my friends was the best thing in life.

I miss those days. I miss playing President in James's basement, surrounded by everyone, all of us disconnected, single people. Reaching out to each other. I remember overzealous games of Settlers of Catan, hitting Ben with an empty Sprite bottle because he wouldn't let me hold our cards. I loved when we decided to marathon a show together, being graciously served tea and snacks and inevitably spilling something on Megan's carpet. I miss the days when Shelley and I would have study parties, staying up late into the night, going for slurpee runs to 7-11 at two or three in the morning, the extra fuel to finish that paper by five or six and get a few hours of sleep.

I know this is all old news. It's all been folded up in a box for a long time, for all of us, now.

I feel like I was a much more flawed person then. I was more volatile and selfish, but now I think, at least I was passionate. I wasn't afraid of the judgment of other people, and I didn't resent it as much. Unhappiness didn't last long. I forgave and forgot overnight.

I want to be perfect. Like God is perfect. I want to be able to only love, even when I'm not loved perfectly. It's easy to love someone back when they're good at loving you. Really easy.

I haven't had as much to give to my friends anymore, and it's hard to pin down exactly why. And even though I know it's wrong of me, I feel dissatisfied that I'm not as loved, now that I'm not as easy to love. Now that I don't call anyone and make the plans, I'm not called. Now that I'm not the one to pop up the chatbox, saying hi first, the conversation doesn't happen.

I'm mostly fine, in my shell. There are questions. But I have enough. And I guess there are things I wish I could tell people. Something like:

A friendship is a gift that two parties have to give freely. If I haven't had as much in me to give as I used to, the gift remains, and we should both be happy with what we have. Don't think that I should reach out to you if you haven't reached out to me. I love you, but you and I don't owe each other anything. We aren't obligated. And if you think that time or distance or anything is able to weaken our friendship, then that belief is your personal choice. For me, a friendship holds within it forever all the memories of all the good times, and none of the bad. If you let it hold the bad, that's your choice too. But I'm going to do my best not to make that mistake anymore.

This is a new beginning for me. I'm taking a new path. I'm going to find out who I am this time. I'm not going to be satisfied with stagnating. I am going to create. I am going to silence the chatter, the white noise of the world. These spaces in my life aren't meant to be filled with easy, empty pursuits, or even with friends. My time is precious to me. I'm going to dust off my spirit, stretch it out, and see if I can make it fit again. I'm going to find God again—no, He's found me again, He has never hidden—

I'm going out there. This is goodbye. If you want to find out what my adventures are from here on out, it'll take your asking.

And if you want to walk with me, you may. I'd love the company. But I'm going this way.

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Strange. That's how I've felt for some time and you've described it almost exactly. I'm not sure if I even realized it. Maybe that's why I love having you (and both of you) over so much...

For me, it seems like part of my shift into accepting my adulthood. I'm sure everyone is going through it or will go through it... But maybe some people are finding it harder to understand and accept than others. :\

And yeah, I love that you and Mattea and me and Philip are at the same part of our lives and have a great understanding of our friendship. :D I have been so thankful to have you guys! I look forward to seeing the two of you again!

It's not so much that we've drifted apart, it's that we've grown up and I think with all the things that come with being a grown up there's not as much time or want to sit and talk on the phone for hours, or have crazy escaflowne marathons.
But I agree with you, it's still a two way street. We still need to treat others as we want to be treated, Call friend whom we would like to call us.
I'm glad that we still have that.

I could have written this post three years ago.

Life is full of seasons and you so eloquently described the passing of one season into the beginning of another. We embrace change or we are uncomfortable with it. I am one that is uncomfortable with it.

I have had the privilege and gift of raising an amazing beautiful little girl into an amazing beautiful woman who no longer is living under my roof. Talk about seasons of change. I now get to learn who she is apart from me and now a unit with another person. It is scary and exciting all at the same time.

But I do know one thing. No matter who I learn she is and who she grows into she will still be amazing, intelligent, beautiful, loving and kind and someone who lives life in the fullest way she knows how.

You will take some things in the last season into the next and God will help with the ones you have to leave behind.

And in some seasons dreams seem to get lost or forgotten, but God takes those dreams and holds them in the palm of His hand and keeps them safe.
He may rearrange them or mold them but they are always safe in Him.

No matter what life brings always be true to who you are--who God made you to be. And as seasons of life come and go God never changes. He is always there walking you through and never leaves you on your own.

I will miss the little girl I used to have but I know she is still in that beautiful, amazing grown woman. It is just that she has different seasons to live and I know she will live them well.

She will excel at everything she does. She will work like it depends on her and pray like it depends on God and He takes care of the rest.

And one thing I am incredibly thankful for is no matter what season of life comes and goes you will always be my daughter.
You are truly a gift from God.

Love you to the ends of the earth
The luckiest woman in the world who got to be your Mom

Mom, thank you for writing such a wonderful letter to me. :) I will keep these words close to my heart forever. Thank you so much. They are a gift to me. The things you wrote about how God takes care of us in the changes really touch, encourage, and strengthen me. I'm so happy that you know this to be true and can pass it on to me, God's legacy of hope in our lives. What a beautiful hope!

Thank you so much for this, but also for the support and encouragement and nurture and complete faith in me throughout the years. You are responsible for so much of me, so much of the steady faith in God and strong doctrine and heart of love. It brings tears to my eyes to think of how much you have instilled your God in me, and how you have walked in his statutes and shone his light. Oh, more than anything, I want to try to be as good a mother to my children as you have been, bringing them up in faith and so, so, so, so much love, the love you have given me, without reservation.

I only just found this now, after we just had a conversation about still feeling exactly this way. It's time for that new leaf, the leaving behind of the missing pieces, and the rebuilding from scratch, the building of friendships again after a season of finding yourself. I think I might have found me. It's time for me to find you, and most of my friends, again.

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